The Waiting

"The waiting is the hardest part." --Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

 This is a photo of us taken on Dec 14, 2011-- the night we got engaged!

Phil told me he loved me 10 days after the first time we ever spoke to each other.  A few short conversations about t shirts, socks, and rock and roll, and he was hooked.  I was probably more in love with him than he was with me, but I never would have said it out loud!  At the time I was thrilled and terrified and thought he was crazy for saying it, but now, TEN YEARS later, I can fully appreciate how brave and honest and straightforward he was to tell me what he was really feeling.  Today's dating culture is all about being aloof and mysterious and removed from your feelings, and I was blessed enough to find somebody who didn't buy into any of that for even a second.  Tell it like it is, kids.

All that being said, I still thought he was crazy to say he loved me after ten days.  As a teenager I was very familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, or what is commonly referred to as "the love passage."  I'm sure you have heard it before at every wedding you've ever been to.  1 Corinthians 13 is God's textbook definition of love, and it should be every teenager (and adult)'s guide to whether or not what you're feeling is the real deal.  Here is the passage:  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!" 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

As a 17 year old, the parts I really zoned in on were "love...endures through every circumstance" and "love will last forever!".  (As a wife, my eye goes straight to "it is not irritable and keeps no record of being wronged"... 8-/)  I reasoned that if what I thought was love did not endure and did not last forever, then it wasn't ever really love.  That being said, I didn't believe that Phil could love me after ten days because we hadn't endured anything.  But he swore that he did.  And when I moved to Texas in 2007 and he formally asked me to be his girlfriend (so old fashioned!!!  Teenagers take note!), he pulled another classic Phil and asked me to marry him ten days later.

 

Once again I was thrilled and terrified and thought he was crazy.  He was so sure he wanted to marry me, and although I was utterly infatuated with the guy, I didn't know if I could sign on to spend the rest of my life with him at age 19.  I remember asking him, "How can you be so sure?" and Phil being sad because he didn't know how I could not be.  

 

As most of you know, Phil and I went on to endure our fair share of circumstances together.  There were many times when I was more sure that I would kill Phil than marry him, but in the end, I was able to look back and see that our love had never failed, and would never fail, and that was when I finally knew that we would get married.

 

That moment of clarity came in 2010.  We didn't get married until 2013.  Which means that there were THREE YEARS between the time I made up my mind and the time we walked down the isle.  In Kara land, this is basically nine lifetimes (see what I did there, cat people ;-)?)  If you haven't already guessed, I don't like to wait.  When I finally do make up my mind about something, I want it desperately and I want it NOW.

 

In fact, I may be one of the most impatient people on the planet.  I'm sure that it's partially because of this that God is letting me wait to become a mom.  What comes so easily to most is taking FOREVER for me, and that makes me uncomfortable.  And uncomfortable situations force you to grow even when you don't want to.  I am very uncomfortable, so I must be growing, right?

 

While I wiggle around uncomfortably trying to find a softer, easier, more accommodating way, there is someone I know who is relaxing in the most comfortable position ever, lounging in the softest feather bed surrounded by kittens and puppies and snoring softly.  I bet you can guess who that is.  It's Phil.  He is relaxing because that's what he does--he brings his requests before the Lord, and then he trusts that God will show up.  And in the meantime, he can rest comfortably in the knowledge that the King of the universe has his back.

 

When Phil fell in love in 2005, he didn't freak out because I didn't tell him I loved him back the second he told me.  He didn't throw a temper tantrum when I didn't jump to marry him in 2007.  He knew I loved him and he knew we would get married someday, and that was enough for him.  Just like how he knows God will bless us and make us parents someday.  He is actually happy about that!  While I'm over here bent out of shape because it's not happening all lickity-split, he is actually happy in the knowledge that he will be a dad someday. 

 

God put Phil and I together for a billion reasons.  We have helped each other, healed each other, and taught each other in ways that no other person in the world could have done.  Today, at this time in my life, I find myself amazed once again by how grateful I am to be with him.  He is teaching me one of the most valuable lessons of all time: that there is fun and grace and beauty in the waiting.

 

What I, and a lot of people, fail to realize is that most of life happens in the waiting.  Kids wait to get their braces off, and in the meantime they grow seven inches and three shoe sizes.  Teenagers wait to get their licenses, and in the meantime they work their first jobs, save their first dollars, and learn innumerable lessons about life, money, responsibility, and the world they live in--all just because they're looking forward to driving.

 

For most of my life, I've wanted to be a professional ballet dancer.  I got the idea into my head when I was twelve, and I spent the next fourteen years focused intensely toward that goal.  I was convinced that I wouldn't be happy until.  Because of that, I didn't fully appreciate  all of the amazing opportunities and experiences I had as a student.  I was so forward focused the whole time that I missed out on a lot, and I'm finding that I'm doing the same thing with college.  Since I'm going back to school as an adult, I don't really feel the need to make a lot of friends or do any of the typical college things--I'm just looking forward to that finish line.  I am so zeroed in on that goal that I've found I'm not allowing myself to fully enjoy the experiences I'm actually having in the moment.

 

I'm still the kind of person who thinks they can't be happy until.  What a dour and horrible life philosophy!  If you're always waiting for the next thing to happen to you instead of living in the now, eventually you're only waiting to die, right?!  Thankfully (PRAISE THE LORD) I have Phil in my life.  He sees me in my discomfort, struggling with my impatience and my cranky, immature, entitled "I want it now" attitude, and it doesn't make him angry or upset.  Just like how years ago he didn't understand my doubts about getting married, he doesn't really understand why I'm so stressed out about having kids.  He knows our time will come, and instead of worrying, stressing, crying, etc., he's over there lounging in the comfort of the Lord.

 

Phil is teaching me that you don't always have to be uncomfortable in order to grow.  In fact, this time the lesson is just the opposite:  Relax.  Take a load off.  Come on over here and snuggle one of these kittens; I've got seven.  This place (a childless young marriage) is so happy and satisfying if you find a comfortable position.  Here, I'll show you.  Here's a pillow, and another three kittens.  Let's wait here together.  

 

Even the most impatient person in the world must admit: The waiting can be nice, if you know how to do it right.  

 

Trust in the Lord and do good.

Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,

and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 37:3-7 

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Petty