MY Way

I have a friend who is a pastor-in-training at a great church in Arlington.  I've known him ever since I was in high school, and he's always been a wonderful mentor and a great example of what it looks like to follow God wholeheartedly and unashamedly.  He also sometimes puts a mop on his head and wears a cape and orange dishwashing gloves to church.  For all of these reasons (and just because he's a good friend who I hadn't seen in a while), when I heard that he was giving his first sermon to the congregation, I knew I had to be there.

As always, God places you exactly where you are meant to be at exactly the right time.  I know that my friend's sermon was meant especially for me--just as much as it was meant specifically for each and every one of the other people who were there (God is just cool like that).  It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment.  He even specifically mentioned couples trying to grow their families and not being able to do so--twice!  (If you're interested in hearing a great sermon by a great guy given at a great church, please click here: http://www.highrock.org/sermons/?series=&preacher=edwin-menon&month= )

To summarize briefly, my friend preached about King David before he became king, when he was just an everyday world famous military hero serving under King Saul.  God had promised David the throne, and he was just biding his time, trusting in God to deliver him victory after victory in battle, and eventually, his own kingdom.  After a while, King Saul grew jealous that David was getting more attention that he was, and he ordered his men to find David and kill him.  David heard about this and fled for his life.  In his desperation, he ditched God and tried to get out of trouble on his own strength and intelligence.  Although God had never failed him before, in the moment, he was so afraid and mixed up that he just forgot whom to trust, and he relied on himself instead.  Before the story ends, David lies to a priest, takes dead Goliath's sword as protection, and carries the giant weapon on his back to hide among the Phillistines, who just happen to be Goliath's own people and biggest fans.  Needless to say, David finds himself in a Phillistine prison awaiting execution, crying out to God, "I see what I did there!  Ok--I'm ready to trust you now!"  

The message hit a chord with me, because I have been struggling with this very dilemma ever since we stepped foot into that fertility clinic, and maybe even a little bit before that.  I don't want to end up like David--trying to do things on my own strength and finding myself in an even worse place than I was before I took action.  I am praying that Phil and I make the choices that God wants us to make, but this is where it gets so confusing.  There are SO MANY choices to make.  It seems like there are hundreds of different combinations of treatments to choose or not to choose.  I don't want to be like David, but I also keep thinking of the story of the guy who was trapped on his roof praying for God to save him while the flood waters rose.  A boat goes by and tries to help, but the man says, "No, I'm waiting for God to save me."  Then a helicopter tries to rescue him, but he stays put, waiting for God.  The waters continue to rise, and eventually the guy drowns.  When he gets to heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" and God said, "I sent a boat and a helicopter--what more did you want?"  I don't want to be that guy either.

At our last appointment at the clinic, the doctor told us that we had four options: 1) Continue to try naturally.  For some reason he said that this could work, but it would take us two to four years to conceive.  He didn't explain why.  2)  Try an IUI (intrauterine insemination) 3) Try an IUI with medication (Clomid and an injectable medicine that I would have to inject into my stomach myself) or 4) IVF (invitro fertilization).  Because of the way insurance is set up in Massachusetts, all of these treatment options are covered and EXTREMELY inexpensive compared to other states.  After the doctor gave us our options, we looked at each other and instantly asked for option two.  We had been trying long enough already; why not take some action?  Just as quickly as we made the decision, our doctor vetoed it by saying that we shouldn't take option two because it wouldn't work (again, he didn't say why).  He recommended option three if we didn't want to jump all the way to IVF.  We took option three and left feeling very uncertain.

A few days later I had my first appointment with a lovely acupuncturist that specializes in infertility cases.  Her name is Tamie and she's the one who hooked me up with all of the supplements in the photo.  As confusing as the clinic doctor was, Tamie is the opposite.  She encourages me to do my own research to help confirm the things that she is telling me, and everything she is saying makes perfect sense.  When she heard that we were going to try an IUI with Clomid and injectibles, she begged us to try acupuncture for a few months first, and we were so relieved that there was yet another alternative.  Tamie explained that the chances of an IUI being successful when I only had a 21 day cycle and clearly had some hormone and vitamin deficiencies were extremely low.  Her strategy was to fix the underlying issues and get healthy, which resonated with my convictions about not forcing something if the timing isn't right.  She also warned me about starting fertility drugs, and said that some people do not react well to them.  She said that once you start, your chances of ever conceiving naturally are very low, which is terrifying.  When the syringes came in the mail, I stuck them in the fridge and forgot about them.      

Until just recently.  It's been four months now since I've been working with Tamie, and I'm starting to get impatient yet again (I know I have a problem with that--but considering it's been like 24 cycles since we started this, can you blame me??)  One day after pouring over my test results for the millionth time, I decided to make another appointment at a different fertility clinic.  It is coming up this Friday.  The doctor has won awards for his work many years in a row, and I am very excited to see what he has to say about our situation.

Which brings me back to what I was getting at in the beginning.  I'm having a hard time hearing what God wants us to do.  Should we just be patient and wait for His timing?  Maybe I am going to have a hard pregnancy, and He doesn't want me to be in school when it happens.  Or am I not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy yet?  Is He just trying to save us from an even greater heartache?  Is a more aggressive treatment going to send my body for a loop and ruin our chances of ever conceiving?  Or will trying these treatments make Phil and I the proud parents of septuplets or something crazy like that?  OR--are we meant to be saving our time and money and putting our names on the list to adopt?

Maybe there are still some lessons to learn from all of this that we haven't quite learned yet, and that's why we are still in this position.  I know that the biggest lesson here is to trust God and not to compromise our convictions to do things our way.  That's been hard for me because I'm not sure what God's way looks like, but also because by nature, I'm a doer.  I am always doing something, and whatever it is I'm doing, I'm doing it with everything I've got.  And if someone tells me that I can't do something, they better watch and learn, because that just means that I will do it at any cost.  It doesn't matter how hard or how long I have to work for something that I want to achieve--I will get it.  That's the attitude that's been ingrained in me from the time I was a little girl, and it has helped me do many things.  It's helped me to make it through school excelling in every class, even the hard ones and the ones I hated.  It's helped me to be accepted into amazing colleges that I decided not to attend because I wanted something different.  It's helped me to become a professional ballet dancer, against all odds and despite everyone who said I'd never make it.  That attitude has helped me do things that even I thought I'd never be able to do.  But I'm coming to find that even the craziest amount of self motivation, drive, and focus has never helped anyone achieve a pregnancy.  It's probably working against me quite honestly.  And I'm not sure how to handle that.  My natural response has always been to try harder, to do more, but this isn't a competition we're talking about.  It's a life.  And if the past two years have taught me anything at all, it's this-- GOD IS THE CREATOR OF LIFE.  If He doesn't want there to be a life, there is NOTHING anyone can do to make one.  No doctor, no acupuncturist, no wizard, no amount of 'trying harder' can ever generate a life.  If you think about it that way, doesn't that make you feel all the more special and loved?  There are no accidents--God made each life specifically and mindfully.  You didn't just happen.  You were made on purpose. 

These are the things that I need to remember when I feel the urge to try harder; when I feel the need to do things MY way.  My way won't work.  Not this time.  All I can do in this situation is trust in God and pray that He will guide us to make the right decisions.  Maybe if I took that approach with everything in life, I wouldn't be so tired from trying all the time.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16