What Have I Done?

Today is Good Friday.  Today is the day that we remember Jesus' journey to the cross, his torture, his humiliation, the pain that he went through to atone for our sins.  By the end of the day, Jesus was dead.  If you're not a Christian, this is still a pretty solemn day if you spend time thinking about the things that people are capable of doing to each other.  Historians agree that there was a real man named Jesus, and he really died like this.  The Passion of the Christ-- it really happened.

I always feel weird on Good Friday.  Like I want to do something that demonstrates how much I appreciate what was done for me, but I never know what and then I end up not doing anything.  A few days ago I made a point to list both Good Friday service times in my planner, and I was looking forward to attending one of the services all day.  When 2:30 rolled around, the urge to nap hit me like a ton of bricks and it was all I could do to make it through the rest of the work day with my eyes open.  Phil and I drove home, ate a little dinner, fed all the beasts, and took Boo Boo for a walk in the rain.  In addition to being exhausted, I was starting to get nervous about getting to service and getting all of my end of semester assignments done (two out of four of this semester's classes are over this week!  Hooray!!)  I am never very friendly when I'm feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork, and today was no different.  I took it out on Phil by making little chiding remarks about the stupidest things, and getting overly frustrated for no reason.  By 6:30, I realized that we wouldn't be making it to service, and it was all my fault and I felt awful.  I felt bad for not going, bad for having to prioritize school over what is really important to me, and bad for taking out my stress on my husband, as usual.

Phil is playing in the band at church for the Easter service, so I wasn't the only busy one; he had a lot of songs to practice today, and he's under a time crunch as well.  But as I sat down and unpacked all of my school stuff in a huge bundle of stress, he took the time to recognize that--even if this is pretty normal behavior--I was feeling really terrible.  He came over to me and said, "I want to do something for you... I'd like you to come in our room for a minute."  I grumped and groaned about it because I didn't want to get up off the couch (that's getting harder and harder these days, lol) and I had to start working on school, but he managed to persuade me to lie down with him for "just a minute".  

Bub got me into some comfy sweats, shut off the lights, put on some relaxing spa music (yes he did!) and he proceeded to give me the sweetest back and belly massage for at least half an hour.  I was so wound up that it took me a while to calm down--I kept trying to talk to him about things we needed to buy for Easter, and where we should go on our next vacation--but he just kept saying, "Shh, you just relax, don't think about that stuff.  We'll figure everything out later."  After a few minutes I admitted to him the real reason I couldn't fully relax: "Bub," I mumbled, "I feel guilty.  I've been a crab all day.  I didn't do anything nice or good today.  What have I done to deserve this?"  

"Shh," He said to me, "This isn't about what you did and it's not about deserving.  It's about how much I love you."

Today of all days, I really needed to hear those words.  We all need to hear them. 

We ask God this question all the time: What have I done?  What have I done to deserve this?  I asked the question often when we couldn't get pregnant.  Then I asked it even more when we lost our first baby.  Now that we are almost 22 weeks along with a big, healthy baby, I am asking this more than ever before.  Instead of despair, I feel guilt.  What have I done to deserve this incredible gift?

I am coming to understand that "what have I done" is a useless question.  It doesn't really matter what we've done.  God doesn't give us what we deserve, based on what we've done.  God is the mother who loves her child even when she's being a brat.  God is the dog who looks at you like you can do no wrong, even though you just scolded her two seconds earlier for something she didn't actually do.  God is the husband who was just nagged and griped at for an hour and a half, but all he can think about is how much he loves you and how he can show it.  God is Jesus dying on the cross to take our sins upon himself, while whispering softly, "This isn't about what you did and it's not about deserving.  It's about how much I love you."

Guilt is a hard feeling to shake, but I know that gratitude is an amazing thing.  One of the most amazing.  It takes practice, and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it, but I think that if I am grateful enough for the blessings I've been given, eventually feelings of gratitude will replace the feelings of guilt in my heart.  I think it may be impossible to feel guilty when you are truly and fully grateful.  What do you think?

This Easter, join me in trying to practice pure gratitude, without any trace of guilt.  After all, it's Good Friday.  Without having done anything at all, we have just been given a gift that we surely don't deserve.  

We all have so much to be grateful for.

Stud.

I love you my darling, and I surely don't deserve you, but man am I grateful for you every second of every day.