The Imposter
Hey strangers! I've been on a bit of a hiatus (you know, sleeping, eating, working, the whole bit) but I know it's way past due that I check in with all of you. On Monday we turned 17 weeks pregnant, and baby is now the size of an Xbox game controller--chunky little monster!! I've never before had such warm and fuzzy feelings from picking up a video game controller (my husband and brother Jay can certainly attest to this)!
First some milestones: We elected to have the Panorama blood test done at around 11 weeks (I believe). Phil and I didn't even discuss what we would do if something came back abnormal, because we both know where the other stands on terminating the life of one of our children, for any reason. The real reason that we wanted the test done was to find out the baby's gender!!! Silly and petty maybe, but we were dying to know! And to think that at one point I thought I was the kind of person who could wait and be surprised--LOL!
From about the fifth week of pregnancy, we both had a strong feeling that this baby was going to be a girl. I thought that was interesting because during my first pregnancy, we both really thought that the baby was a boy. Of course, until we meet that baby in heaven we won't know for sure. But when our Panorama results came back and the nurse called to say "Congratulations--IT'S A GIRL!" I was first thrilled for our new little bambina, and then strangely comforted that I was probably right about our angel being a boy. We have a son in heaven <3
An unforseen benefit that resulted from the Panorama test was the enormous reassurance I had after hearing how low baby girl's risks were for the trisomies they tested for. I knew that I would be happy to hear that she was healthy, but something else came along with that diagnosis--a more certain reassurance that my baby wasn't about to die inside of me. Of course, I know that anything can happen. But this baby is healthy! She's big! She's growing out of control! The test results calmed nagging fears that I didn't think could be silenced. Most miscarriages happen due to genetic factors, and her genes were perfect (if we do say so ourselves--haha.)
So then we had a gender reveal!! We were supposed to find out the Panorama results on a Friday, and Phil and I wanted to plan a small family dinner with my parents, Jay, and Chel (Jackie was in New York dancing, and Michela and Tyler were on their honeymoon!) and cook them a whole pink and blue menu (salad with grapefruit and blueberries! Salmon and purple carrots! I was getting very creative!) before serving the cake for dessert. Instead, we found out the results that TUESDAY, and I had to sit across the desk from my mother at work all week and somehow not let anything slip!! I think she was pretty amazed that I made it four days without spontaneously combusting! Saturday rolled around and this happened:
Our little family dinner turned into a big family dinner, and it was amazing. We even had my aunt and uncle from Sicily there with us!
Another milestone I got to experience since I last wrote was feeling baby move. I first felt her moving at 10.5 weeks!! I was at church at a women's mini retreat. My wonderful mentor was reading Mary's song--the words Mary said when the Angel first told her she was pregnant-- from Luke 1: "My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant." And as soon as she read it I felt like someone flicked me below my belly button! I thought--no way. This is way too early, and everyone says the first movements feel like butterflies or bubbles popping. This felt like a mini karate chop. I paid close attention for the rest of the night, and didn't feel anything after that. But a few times every week since then I would feel that same thing--like a little poke, or flick from the inside. Everyone was saying, "there's no way you could be feeling that so early." Fast forward to sixteen weeks, when most people start to feel baby kicking. At 16 weeks I could feel the little flicks every morning and night, very consistently. They are, of course, a bit stronger now, but nevertheless they are the same thing that I have been feeling since 10.5 weeks.
Now people believe me when they ask if I'm feeling the baby move and I describe the little flicking feeling. I, on the other hand, am having a harder time believing. I am as incredulous as I was at 10 weeks--that can't be a baby moving around in there! It's probably a muscle twitch, or a stomach cramp. I have nightmares sometimes that I've had a miscarriage, and the baby is gone. When I wake up I can feel her squirming around, and I'm consumed with a crazy feeling of disbelief. It feels SO STRANGE to KNOW she's alive because I can actually FEEL her moving, stretching, living.
I am happy, all the time. Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I am amazed at my good fortune, and how blessed I am to have made it this far. First of all, I'm pregnant. To get to just that positive test was such a struggle in the first place. Then, our angel baby left us. Now, to be 17 weeks with a healthy little girl (with such a strong, feisty kick) has everyone in our family over the moon with joy. But--
That doesn't change the fact that being pregnant after infertility and a miscarriage feels different than just being pregnant.
I feel like an imposter.
Off I go to prenatal yoga, Bradley birth classes, the maternity section, the baby clothes section. And I think: this is weird. People are probably looking at me funny. I don't belong here. People comment on how small my belly is, and I think: they think I'm faking it. THEN I think--AM I FAKING IT?!?! This baby is practicing katas inside of my belly (HIYA!), and I'm hurrying out of the maternity section with a guilty look on my face because there's no way this is real.
When will it feel real? When I can't see my toes? When I have eighty gajillion stretch marks covering my entire body? When other people can feel her moving from the outside of my belly? When we get our fourth ultrasound? When I'm in labor? When we finally meet her face to face? I don't know. All of that also sounds kind of unreal to me.
I bet this is how everyone feels a little bit, but I can't help but think that waiting for so long and going through what we have has contributed to some of these feelings. Despite all of it, we are happier than we've ever been. And still in utter disbelief at the way God is moving in our lives.
First some milestones: We elected to have the Panorama blood test done at around 11 weeks (I believe). Phil and I didn't even discuss what we would do if something came back abnormal, because we both know where the other stands on terminating the life of one of our children, for any reason. The real reason that we wanted the test done was to find out the baby's gender!!! Silly and petty maybe, but we were dying to know! And to think that at one point I thought I was the kind of person who could wait and be surprised--LOL!
From about the fifth week of pregnancy, we both had a strong feeling that this baby was going to be a girl. I thought that was interesting because during my first pregnancy, we both really thought that the baby was a boy. Of course, until we meet that baby in heaven we won't know for sure. But when our Panorama results came back and the nurse called to say "Congratulations--IT'S A GIRL!" I was first thrilled for our new little bambina, and then strangely comforted that I was probably right about our angel being a boy. We have a son in heaven <3
An unforseen benefit that resulted from the Panorama test was the enormous reassurance I had after hearing how low baby girl's risks were for the trisomies they tested for. I knew that I would be happy to hear that she was healthy, but something else came along with that diagnosis--a more certain reassurance that my baby wasn't about to die inside of me. Of course, I know that anything can happen. But this baby is healthy! She's big! She's growing out of control! The test results calmed nagging fears that I didn't think could be silenced. Most miscarriages happen due to genetic factors, and her genes were perfect (if we do say so ourselves--haha.)
So then we had a gender reveal!! We were supposed to find out the Panorama results on a Friday, and Phil and I wanted to plan a small family dinner with my parents, Jay, and Chel (Jackie was in New York dancing, and Michela and Tyler were on their honeymoon!) and cook them a whole pink and blue menu (salad with grapefruit and blueberries! Salmon and purple carrots! I was getting very creative!) before serving the cake for dessert. Instead, we found out the results that TUESDAY, and I had to sit across the desk from my mother at work all week and somehow not let anything slip!! I think she was pretty amazed that I made it four days without spontaneously combusting! Saturday rolled around and this happened:
Another milestone I got to experience since I last wrote was feeling baby move. I first felt her moving at 10.5 weeks!! I was at church at a women's mini retreat. My wonderful mentor was reading Mary's song--the words Mary said when the Angel first told her she was pregnant-- from Luke 1: "My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant." And as soon as she read it I felt like someone flicked me below my belly button! I thought--no way. This is way too early, and everyone says the first movements feel like butterflies or bubbles popping. This felt like a mini karate chop. I paid close attention for the rest of the night, and didn't feel anything after that. But a few times every week since then I would feel that same thing--like a little poke, or flick from the inside. Everyone was saying, "there's no way you could be feeling that so early." Fast forward to sixteen weeks, when most people start to feel baby kicking. At 16 weeks I could feel the little flicks every morning and night, very consistently. They are, of course, a bit stronger now, but nevertheless they are the same thing that I have been feeling since 10.5 weeks.
Now people believe me when they ask if I'm feeling the baby move and I describe the little flicking feeling. I, on the other hand, am having a harder time believing. I am as incredulous as I was at 10 weeks--that can't be a baby moving around in there! It's probably a muscle twitch, or a stomach cramp. I have nightmares sometimes that I've had a miscarriage, and the baby is gone. When I wake up I can feel her squirming around, and I'm consumed with a crazy feeling of disbelief. It feels SO STRANGE to KNOW she's alive because I can actually FEEL her moving, stretching, living.
I am happy, all the time. Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I am amazed at my good fortune, and how blessed I am to have made it this far. First of all, I'm pregnant. To get to just that positive test was such a struggle in the first place. Then, our angel baby left us. Now, to be 17 weeks with a healthy little girl (with such a strong, feisty kick) has everyone in our family over the moon with joy. But--
That doesn't change the fact that being pregnant after infertility and a miscarriage feels different than just being pregnant.
I feel like an imposter.
Off I go to prenatal yoga, Bradley birth classes, the maternity section, the baby clothes section. And I think: this is weird. People are probably looking at me funny. I don't belong here. People comment on how small my belly is, and I think: they think I'm faking it. THEN I think--AM I FAKING IT?!?! This baby is practicing katas inside of my belly (HIYA!), and I'm hurrying out of the maternity section with a guilty look on my face because there's no way this is real.
When will it feel real? When I can't see my toes? When I have eighty gajillion stretch marks covering my entire body? When other people can feel her moving from the outside of my belly? When we get our fourth ultrasound? When I'm in labor? When we finally meet her face to face? I don't know. All of that also sounds kind of unreal to me.
I bet this is how everyone feels a little bit, but I can't help but think that waiting for so long and going through what we have has contributed to some of these feelings. Despite all of it, we are happier than we've ever been. And still in utter disbelief at the way God is moving in our lives.
My pregnancy feels about as believable as his XD
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